Control. Everyone wants to have control over their lives. When I was young I felt invincible as most young people do. I felt that I could overcome anything. I felt immortal. However, as I got older I realized that I certainly was not invincible, immortal, or indestructible. As a young man, I thought I had it all under control.
We would all like to think that we have total control over our lives but we don’t.
Drug and alcohol addicts often will tell their loved ones that they have things under control.
People with gambling problems feel they have things under control.
People with spending issues feel they have things under control.
A popular saying is, “I’ve got this!” It’s a way of saying, “I am in control.”
We only have limited control over our lives. We can control what we eat and watch on TV, how much money we will spend, whom we will marry, etc. But we cannot completely control what happens to us. While we may have limited control over what happens to us, we do have total control over how we respond to what happens to us.
Up until my late 30s, I thought I had my life pretty much in control until things suddenly went out of control. Things that I thought were under control and going well suddenly, and without warning, started spiraling out of control.
The thing about control is that it’s mostly just an illusion. In life, I am not the only one that influences me. I have a family, and a job and I attend church. I have to drive on the roads with other people (who don’t drive as well as I do). I have to deal with people every day of my life in innumerable scenarios and circumstances.
I have no control over what they do.
To be realistic, I can’t make them do anything.
While we might think that we have control over others because of our position in their lives, or even out of our own vanity, it is simply an illusion. First, we should not want to control someone else, and second, you just cannot control people even if you wanted to.
Control over people is an illusion.
Take your children, for example. You cannot really make your children do anything. You can threaten, yell at, and even punish them for not doing as you say. However, what they do or do not do is entirely in their hands. If you tell one of your children to clean their room, you can’t make them do it. What you can do is take away certain privileges that they enjoy. The choice of whether to obey or not is entirely based upon their choice. They can either obey you out of their love and respect for you or they can weigh their options and decide to clean their room because they don’t want to lose their privileges.
Either way, you can’t control them or make them do anything.
And nobody can actually make you do anything you don’t want to do.
And you shouldn’t want to control others, and they shouldn’t want to control you.
Marriage works the same way. I cannot control what my spouse does. She has total control over her actions. That’s the way free will works.
The greatest risk God ever took is to create man with free will. It is my opinion that by giving man free will God gave up his control.
I don’t believe the popular saying, “God is in control.”
I believe that He is in charge, which is different from being in control.
Being in charge means that you have the ultimate authority. In theological terms, it means that God is sovereign. For a man to truly have free will and be able to make his own choices, God cannot make his decisions for him, nor can He make him do anything that he doesn’t want to do. If He did, then He has violated that person’s free will and therefore they truly do not have free will.
Love is never controlling. So, if God did make us do something we didn’t want to do or even something we would want to do, he wouldn’t truly love us. Love refuses to control another person.
I know this is a deep subject and I have probably opened up many questions that I don’t have time to answer in this short blog post. It’s enough to say that since God will not control our lives then why do we fall into the illusion that we can, or should, control other people’s lives? We cannot and we were never meant to.
I have to recognize that I live with the same issue of man’s free will that God does. I have to realize that people are going to do what they want to do. I do what I want to do . . . whether it’s good, bad, or indifferent. At the end of every day when I look back over my day, I must take responsibility for my own actions because no one can force me to do what I do not want to do.
I once worked under a very controlling and dominating person. I was very intimidated by this person. I would like to place all the blame for the dysfunctionality of our relationship on them because of their controlling issues. However, I must take the responsibility for my own actions in that I continued to give them control of my life. I had insecurity issues going on. I had validation issues. I was looking for approval. In some sick, twisted way I just wanted their approval so that I would feel better about myself.
I allowed them to control me by giving them control. I could have walked away but I was too afraid. I was fear driven. I allowed fear to gain the upper hand in my life which fed into the insecurities and controlling ways of this person. I gave up my control to this person.
I gave up my control. That’s important for me to realize.
It won’t happen again!
But I must also see that I have the ability to take advantage of other people’s fears and insecurities and watch them give up their control over to me. We all have the ability to feed off of others’ fears, insecurities, and their need for validation.
It’s a very nasty thing that happens every day. But it was never meant to be that way.
In order for me to truly love others I must honor their choices, even when I don’t agree with them. For me to truly love another human being then I must honor their free will and never exert my control over them.
So, in the end, control is really an illusion. I can only control myself. You can only control yourself. We must learn to honor each other’s free will and choice. When I realized that I cannot control others it made my life easier because it took the weight off my shoulders. It helped me to allow others to truly be themselves and it allowed me to be myself.
I control myself. You control yourself. Let’s walk together as free men and women with free will before our God!
