When Church Hurts Run Deep: Facing Spiritual Abuse Without Shame

What do you do when the people who claim to speak for God are the ones who hurt you the most? What do you do with the wounds that were delivered in Jesus’ name?

For far too long, the church’s response to spiritual abuse has been silence. Or worse -- denial. We’ve been told to forgive and forget, to move on, to stop being bitter, or to question whether it was really that bad. Maybe you’ve even heard this weaponized phrase: “Touch not mine anointed.”

Let’s call it what it is. Spiritual abuse. Religious trauma. Spiritual manipulation.

And it’s not your fault.

This post is personal because I’ve lived on both sides of the issue. I’ve been the leader who unknowingly hurt others. I’ve also been the follower who got wounded under toxic leadership. I’ve sat in circles where fear was called faith and control was disguised as covering. I know what it’s like to want to belong, to try to be yourself in church, only to be told you were a problem. I’ve been burned. And I’ve had to wrestle my way out of the ashes.

So let me say this from the start: this space is not about denial. It’s about facing the pain with honesty, without shame, and without pretending it didn’t happen.

Spiritual Abuse Is Real

You don’t have to be a theologian or a licensed therapist to see the damage. I’ve seen it up close: people manipulated, gaslit, guilt-tripped, and shamed in the name of "spiritual authority." People are made to feel guilty for questioning authority. People are made to feel guilty for not "doing enough". People who were made to believe that their voice was rebellion and their pain was proof that they were the problem.

Let me make this clear: Love does not control. Love does not manipulate. Love does not shame.

If you’ve experienced a version of Jesus that looks and acts like your abuser, you were handed a lie.

Jesus never used shame to control people—only truth to set them free.

Church Hurt Is Not the Same as Leaving God

Many Christians have left churches because of religious trauma or spiritual abuse. There’s a dangerous narrative floating around in many church circles when people leave. Many have been told that if you leave a church or question a leader, you’re walking away from God. That’s not just bad theology, it’s spiritual gaslighting. You didn’t leave God. You may have left spiritual violence. You didn’t reject Jesus. You may simple be rejecting a broken system that misrepresented Him.

There’s a difference. A big one.

Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do for your soul is walk away from the place that wounded it. You can’t always heal where you were hurt. And no, that doesn’t mean you’re bitter or rebellious—it means you’re protecting what God values. You.

What Does Religious Trauma Look Like?

You might be dealing with spiritual abuse if:

• You get anxious just hearing the word "church."

• You feel guilty for asking honest questions.

• You were told you are rebellious or that you had a “Jezebel spirit.”

• You were shamed into performing instead of being accepted for who you are.

• You lost your sense of identity trying to please spiritual authority.

• You were told God was angry every time you questioned a leader.

• You were made to believe that leaving a church meant leaving God.

Let’s stop pretending that these are isolated experiences. They're systemic. And they're not okay.

Authoritarian Leadership ≠ Godly Leadership

Let me say something uncomfortable: many of our church structures, especially in the Pentecostal/Charismatic/ Apostolic/ Prophetic stream, have been built around personality cults, not Christ. We’ve worshiped gifting over character. We’ve prioritized power over people. And it’s not biblical.

True spiritual authority doesn’t have to shout to be heard. It doesn’t need titles to be trusted. It doesn’t demand submission—it earns it through love, consistency, and humility.

When someone truly walks in God’s authority, you’ll see it. You’ll feel it. And you’ll never be coerced into following it.

To Those Who’ve Been Hurt…

If you were told you’d never succeed without that ministry…
If you were made to feel like asking questions was sinful…
If you were burned while trying to belong…
If your pain was ignored, belittled, or used against you…

You are not the problem.
You didn’t leave God.
It’s okay to be angry.
It’s okay to walk away.
And healing is possible.

You don’t have to rush it. You don’t have to go back. And you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. God is not the institution. God is not the manipulator. God is not the voice that shamed you into silence.

Jesus will never gaslight your pain. He will meet you in it. He’ll look you in the eye and say, “I see it. I see you. Let’s heal.”

A Final Word

This isn’t an attack on the church nor any particular individual. It’s a cry for reform. I’m a pastor. I love the Church. But I refuse to defend a system that destroys the very people Jesus came to redeem.

So if you’ve been hurt by church, if you’re questioning everything, if you’re holding on by a thread—know this:

There is hope!

Jesus is still trustworthy, even if His representatives weren’t.

If you just need someone to hear your story, reach out. I’m not here to fix you. I’m here to sit with you in the ashes and remind you: the story’s not over.

Healing starts with telling the truth.
So here’s your invitation: tell it.
Say it out loud.
Write it down.
Give your pain a voice.

Because you matter.
Your story matters.
And healing is not betrayal—it's obedience to your soul’s cry for truth.